Foster parents should be prepared for challenging behavior when they decide to open their home to vulnerable children. But once you’ve gone forward with the decision and you find yourself in a situation beyond your control, what do you do? Who can you turn to? What are your options? Here’s how you know when your placement has run its course.
How Do I Know When My Foster Care Placement Has Run Its Course? Learn More about Your Foster Child
When you’re feeling like your current placement might be more than you can handle, it’s important to step back, take a breather and identify exactly what aspect of your foster child’s behavior is making you feel that way. If there is a specific behavioral problem like Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD) or Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) that’s causing you and your family the most stress, learn more about the problem. A quick call to your FAFS Family Advocate can help ease your mind and set you on the right path. Additionally, a wealth of online sites and forums with topical information on behavioral problems in children, both from experts and parents just like you, are always just a few clicks away. They can be great sources of information for foster parents looking to manage problem behaviors.
If the source of stress between your family and your foster child is harder to identify, talk to your caseworker and try to learn more about your foster child’s history. Learning about what types of abuse or neglect your foster child faced can make it easier to identify where, when and how problem behaviors might arise. The more you know about your foster child, the better suited you’ll be to handle the challenges he presents.
How Do I Know When My Foster Care Placement Has Run Its Course? Learn More about Yourself
Before deciding that your foster child is more than you can handle, take a moment to think about why you decided to foster. If your decision involved helping vulnerable children keep in mind that the job will never be easy, nor will it ever be finished – that is precisely why it is so important.
Just like in any truly important job, there’s bound to be quite a bit of stress involved. Foster children can push anyone to feel bouts of anger, frustration and sadness – even those with expert coping mechanisms and strong support. It’s very normal and quite alright for any parent to feel this way. Remember that help is never too far away and that you are not alone.
Next, think about your strengths and weaknesses. If you’ve arrived at the crossroads where you’re considering ending the placement, it’s likely that your foster child is exploiting a weakness in your family. This could be your anger and frustration with his difficult behavior, for example, or your concern for the well being of your biological children. There’s no shame in recognizing that your foster child has hit you where it hurts the most. The only shame would be in missing the opportunity to increase your knowledge, build up your defenses and get better prepared for next time.
How Do I Know When My Foster Care Placement Has Run Its Course? Take a Hard Look at the Bottom Line
The bottom line of every family unit is to collectively make sure that all its members are healthy and happy. Removing someone from the family is an absolute last resort. But when your family or your foster child is unsafe, you’ve tried everything you can possibly think of and there’s no other way, protecting everyone’s health and happiness is paramount. Make sure you’ve marked everything on this checklist before contacting your caseworker regarding removing a placement:
- I have identified the problem behaviors that are causing my family the most harm and done everything I could to learn about new approaches to managing them from experts and other parents.
- I have put the approaches I learned about into practice for significant period of time.
- I have contacted my caseworker to learn more about my foster child and explore ways we could manage problem behaviors together.
- I talked to each member of my household individually and together to set a plan in place that can help mitigate the problem behaviors.
Removing a foster child from your home can be as difficult for your family as it can be for the foster child. However, if problem behaviors persist after you have followed the steps above and those behaviors jeopardize your family or your foster child’s physical or emotional well being, it may be time to seek an end to the current placement.
We just recently got our first placement a 5 and 2 year old. We don’t have our own kids so obviously have never patented before. It’s been a week and I am already thinking saying yes to two has been a mistake. The behavior issues of the 2 year old are way more than we can handle and it’s frustrating. It has driven a wedge between me and my spouse because I don’t want to continue with the placement but he does because he thinks we haven’t tried. I realize it’s only been the first week but when you know it’s not the right thing you know? Any advice?
Caring for children with or without challenges can be very difficult for some caregivers. Each caregiver is different just as each child is different. It is important for caregivers to try their best; however it is also important for caregivers to understand and accept their limits. If you feel that a child whether a behavioral issue or something else is beyond your limit to assist them, then it is usually best to notify the caseworker so the child can be joined with another family that can best meet their needs. It is imperative that the best interest of the child is always put first.
Praying our two yr old child Celina can come home to us in our home in fairview PA our concern is she seems to come down sick frequently in foster care and daycare and we as her bio parents have complied with our case worker on making a safe secure home for her in a good quiet community and school and our goal is they have told us this she will be returning home to us in fairview in may and she has her own br has clothing toddler bed diapers pull ups plenty of food for her to eat w us her bioparents and we attend our visits were included in on some doctor appointment with her and stay in contact cause we love her
what happened? We are hitting the week mark and in same situation except we have kids. Our kids are having a tough time and we realize this isn’t for us too. This child has many issues and it is very hard. It’s our first placement.
Hey whatever happened? I am in a similar position and have let the agency know and they do not seem to have much of an urgency to resolve the issue. That baffles me. Do we have no rights if there isnt a match? I have also submitted a request to cancel my licensing.
This is a very difficult decision and you have to do what is best for your family as a whole. I would recommend looking into the Nurtured Heart Approach training. This is a new approach that we are training families on and its gives parents tools to help manage our intense children and has been proven to work in many situations. If you are a licensed resource parent in NJ, we at FAFS will be hosting a one hour webinar training at the end of November sharing information regarding this approach. For more information regarding this training please contact us at 1.800.222.0047. I would also recommend reaching out to the caseworker, the caseworker supervisor, and other professionals regarding this child’s case via letter to request a meeting to discuss how to move forward in an attempt to retain the child in your home. If you are a NJ licensed resource parent you can also reach out to our FAFS Family Advocates to assist with this meeting as they are a direct advocate and liaison between you and CP&P.
Corissa Kazar
Support Services Manager
you do have rights. it’s just that they think you should have more time with the child. be patient and caring. I know it can be hard but you have to try
I’m in your situation. However our placement is a family member. We can’t get the caseworker to answer or call back. The only person that will answer our call is a therapist that can do nothing.
Same situation here… our niece was placed with us suddenly when her dad got arrested. It was supposed to be short term and now they are pushing permanency as he was stripped of his parental rights. It is not working out and have voiced that we need to make other arrangements to the case worker, foster support, and the state but no one responds. Our Foster Support lady said that the state will just ignore you until you give in… If they know a child is safe in your home, they don’t care about your opinion. Very frustrating.
I also took in a family member she is 14 dresses inappropriate is very needy and she refuses to shower or clean she constantly is hiding dirty clothing everywhere and you can instantly smell a foul order coming from her room we tried this out for a few months but it’s now causing huge issue with my kids and husband and the workers do not to take me into consideration it’s always you have to give it time I have months and she is just getting worse and very inappropriate towards my husband to the point hes never home and said if she does not leave he will
give the child some time. it might not turn out how you think. might be bad now but all they are is upset and hurt inside. give them some space. they will eventually come around to you
We have been placed with 3 kids ages 6,5,4 we also have 2 of our own children.
I’m at my end of sanity. I am mad all the time and l don’t feel like we are getting the help needed. Every time I have reached out to social worker I am told what I should do instead…. the 5 &4 year old have issues but are pretty easy to deal with. The 6 year old however is disruptive, aggressive, destructive and manipulative. Everyday when I pick him up from school he is in trouble. The advice I was given was to ignore his bad behavior however in school he is hitting and choking other children. At home he destroys other peoples things, aggressive with his siblings and just can’t go more than a few hours without doing something to cause someone in the house to be hurt or scream in his direction. His bio siblings have asked us to send him back to their old home. My kids want him to leave. We had a police visit because his tantrums are so loud that a neighbor who was worried called police only to have them come out and reason behind his tantrum a bug landed on him. The only reason he is still here is because my husband doesn’t want to give up on him I however want to have him removed from my home. I feel like he has brought put an ugly side and so much anger in me that I have never even before and I honestly thin I am going to break.
Hello Nicole,
Thank you so much for reaching out to Embrella for assistance. I’m so sorry to hear that you have been having a difficult time with the children that you are caring for. If you are located in New Jersey I would recommend that you contact Embrella to receive assistance from an advocate who can provide support, resource and advocacy during this difficult time. An advocate can also refer you to our Heart to Heart program where you will be paired with resource parent who would be able to offer useful advice. I would also recommend that you contact the children’s caseworker and request respite care so that you have some time alone to figure out the outcome of the children. If you are no longer able to care for the children listed below is NJ’s Department of Children and Families policies on removal:
https://www.state.nj.us/dcf/policy_manuals/CPP-IV-B-7-325_issuance.shtml
Here at embrella, we pride ourselves in providing as much information, support, and advocacy for those in need. If you reside in NJ and have any further questions, feel free to contact us for further assistance.
Sincerely,
Lenore Bonilla
Support Services Manager
Hi Nicole,
I have read comment after comment searching for help, but none struck me as much as yours. My wife and I had 4 children pretty quickly after marriage and things were good, until one night when CPS called us and said my wife’s cousin children were in the ER and that they had been tossed from one foster home to the next. With no one willing to take these kids they asked if we could for just the weekend until they found placement. We obliged and then it turned into a week, 2 weeks, and then months. After reading people’s comments I see now it’s pretty normal for
Them to do this. Our children’s ages are 6,5,3,2 and the foster children are 4 and 5. They both are everything you described you were facing. We have even had cps called on us just for how there behavior has been within school. They are physical with other children, their moods Change on a dime. The list goes on and on. It’s going on two years now and I feel we are finally broken. My marriage is falling apart and I feel the weight of the world on my shoulders is ready to collapse. I see it’s been a year later since you originally posted and I was just wondering what happened? No judgement here, just wondering if it’s ok to let go now or if hope can still be found?
Lol. Some kids need a lot more than that, and start fires, steal things, and hurt other children. Giving them space and muffins sounds great and I wish it worked all the time, it however is not reality.
Yes they are babies try to look through their eyes be brave loving and you will get a hold.of this keep trying different t ways to insure and love them do t give up it will all be worth it
If you even think you might not be able to fully commit to a child… Don’t foster. You will just reinforce the trauma and idea that he/she is unwanted. You will be causing additional harm to the child. Better that you don’t enter into the situation in the first place. Find a resource to donate your money or time to, in order to make yourself feel better. But don’t cause additional harm to a helpless child who has already suffered at the hands of adults.
lol. Your comment in neither helpful or necessary. Unless you’ve fostered a child with PTSD, ODD, anxiety disorder, severe ADHD, or other mental health issues you have no idea what fosters these children is like. This article is spot on, these people are reaching out for help, or community, or stress release and you shame them? Fostering typically functioning children is different then fostering children with mental health issues. It’s an invisible disability that has nothing to do with how much a foster family loves their child. Sometimes the love is the problem. Triggers are abundant and often unknown. Unless you are a therapeutic foster family that has received specialty training – you are probably not ready for this. It’s not shameful, it’s doesn’t make you bad, and doesn’t justify this terrible persons unhelpful comment. Unless you know – sit down.
Thank you Jc! thank you.
Oh my goodness you hit the nail on the head!! We took in my husband’s sisters kids after being taken away from another family member and I’m at my breaking point. I have 3 of my own, one of them is on the spectrum. To add two young children who turn out to have ADHD and difiance disorder is extremely difficult. I thought I was a strong person and patient but that has all flew out the window. I don’t even recognize myself anymore. I am not the mother I want my kids to remember when the look back at their childhood. I’m stressed and frustrated all the time. I’ve repeatedly asked for help from other family members, therapists and social workers. Nothing! I hate the thought that if I give up the placement I will be the one who will cause them more hurt and abandonment issues. I just don’t know what to do.
Give it some more time and realize that it is going to be some good days and bad days because this is very challenging. And think about and put the kids feelings and concerns first and realize how they must feel to be ripped out of their mother’s arms especially at their ages because they are so young and practically still babies. They need you to make them feel wanted, loved and secured since you are the next closest person to a mother they have and if you give them back this may affect them for the rest of their little lives. Just try your best to be a good mother to them. Treat them as if they were your own children. Just love those babies from your heart and pray to be a better parent. Take a timeout when needed and let your husband takeover. Since this is new to you tell your husband to give you a chance to adapt by giving you some space while he find a way to entertained the kids and you join in once you had your break but once you join in You join in prepared to be a Good loving mother to these kids and love and take care of them as they are yours… But be careful though not to get too attached because their parents or relatives may want them back so be careful with that and also it is okay to try to build a good relationship with the parents if DSS approve. It could be a good thing to bond with the kids and the parents after the kids understands that you are responsible for them and you are in control not their parents and the parents should help them understand that too. So hang in there and be an Asset in those babies lives. They need you. You can work with them and teach them to be the way you way them. Good Luck and Be Blessed.
Please help. I have a friend who was in foster care from the age of 3 to 10 years. He was a good child and had a loving pair of foster parents. His placement with them was abruptly ended when he was 10 and he was sent to a bad next foster home… he to this day has no idea why his foster parents who he thought loved and cared for him 7 years (age 3 to 10) suddenly ended the relationship and had him taken away. It was an AWFUL situation for him. He was a good child and he kept asking them “why are you sending me away” – they would not give him an answer and to this day, he’s now in his 30’s, this has broken his heart and hurt him greatly… WHY?! Why did this couple (he said they treated him well and decently and seemed to “love” him) send him away. He was their only child. He said he will never keep something from a child the way they did with him. He said he really would have need their honesty and openness at that time. It’s left a terrible psychological scar. I told him to reach out to them as they are probably wondering what happened to him as well. But, he’s afraid to contact them and hear why they basically “dumped” him after 7 long years… HELP – I want him to reach out to them and find closure. What do you recommend. Please email me at monahanfamily@cox.net.
Thanks.
ILM
When children in care are moved from a resource home, previously referred to as a foster home, it can be for multiple reasons. The resource family can request for the children to be moved or Child Protective Services can move children if they deem it necessary. They are many factors that play into children moving out of a resource home and they should never be taken lightly.
In regards to your friend, no one other than the resource family and Child Protective Services would know why he was moved to another home. If your friend resides in NJ, it may be possible to obtain some information regarding his case by contacting NJ CP&P Adoption Registry at 609.888.7474. NJ Adoption Registry keeps records of children in care that have been adopted through NJ CP&P. Contacting them may assist with obtaining further information and at very least a direction for your friend to follow in order to obtain more case information.
21 months ago we took in 2 foster children ages 8 and 15 months. The 8 yr old was severely physically abused, neglected and sexually abused. The baby was physically abused and neglected. Our bio kids were 17 and 13 at the time. Over these long months our foster son has been institutionalized for trying to harm others and himself. He has been found torturing our pets. The school has called dozens of times because he was not safe to have in the classroom or on the bus.
Yet he’s very charming.
Long story short our bio kids don’t want and will not be around him.
The three year old has blossomed into a sweet and wonderful child. We’ve discussed this with caseworkers and due to the severity of our foster son’s behaviors they will separate them.
I feel like a monster doing this but my family has been driven apart and we do fear for our and our pet’s safety. We are going to surrender him. We just recently discovered that we are not licensed to foster him, never had the training for a child with his issues. I feel we are doing him a disservice. How do we cope with the guilt?
You are doing what is right for yourselves and for both foster children. The older child will receive more specialized care that he needs. the younger child will not have to live in the anger and chaos that a child with severe behavioral / emotional disturbance can raise in the home. they can still visit and will always be siblings.
thanks for sharing your story. We are also going through our first foster care removal after having the kids with us for more than a year … and we’ve been foster parents for 7 years / 9 kids. We just can’t take the angry vibe that his bad behavior brings to our home any more. We gave it a good shot with therapy, etc. I also feel guilty / like I have failed them , but I hope and pray there is a family out there that can live with them in peace.
I think the only way to deal with the guilt is to name it, pray about it, and know that you are not alone.
Do not feel guilty because you have done all that you could do. If you want to get him back then go through the training necessary. Just let him and DSS worker know that you want him back once he is better and you are position to handle him. Find out if there training or classes your family can take also to help them coped as well. If not then just know you have tried your best to help him and there was nothing more you could do. So don’t feel guilty. It’s not your fault. It’s nobody fault. Good luck, take care and be blessed
This was my issue except he is my spouse sisters son. We got him at 6 years old and a year later got his brother. He is now almost 15 way taller then me and kind of scary. His mom is back in her feet and doing well. Has another son of her own and her older daughter who is 16 was adopted by the grandparents gets to go out with mom quite often. Mom lives in another state and one day recently my 14 year old son got a phone and started talking with his bio mom all the time. Well bio mom said he could come live with her when ever he wanted so after that things seemed to get worse. That’s something he always wanted and I tried my best to keep her out of sight or of mind but she started doing well. We have visitation as we see fit so we decided to let him finally go visit with his bio mom. He doesn’t want to come back but the worst part is I don’t want him to come back either. The house is so much happier and warmer so much stress has been released. But now what do I do? Its been two weeks and WE ARE PETRIFIED HE WILL COME HOME WORSE!
As a foster parent are we force to keep a child that has problems and is out of our control whom doesn’t listen and is abusive? This kid is 6yrs old and has issues we contacted the agency to get him removed and instead they are removing his brother from our home which I mention if they split them up that I would rather keep his brother because he isn’t a problem and instead they won’t remove the child from the home cause it’s part of our “agreement”. The child’s agency is pretty upset at the county. They’re the ones that don’t want to remove him and instead decided to remove his brother which makes no sense? County worker ignores my calls and hasn’t gotten back to me? Who can I contact with this matter to get him removed? I already had put in a notice to find him another home and they don’t want to remove him and they’re also saying that we can be charged if we give them the kid back and or take him to the cps office which i wouldn’t do but they’re leaving me no choice. I’ve been a foster parent for 7yrs now and never has this been an issue till now. I know how it works when a home is available for the kid they would remove him but instead as I mentioned above the county thought it was a brighter idea to remove his younger brother????. Please help thank you
Hi Alex,
Thanks so much for reaching out to us with your questions. I am sorry that you are going through this situation. In NJ, resource parents (foster parents) are required to “notify CP&P immediately if, for any reason, they are thinking of asking for the child’s removal from the home; allowing CP&P up to 5 work days to make a decision regarding the best plan for the child; and, once a decision has been made to remove the child from the home, allowing CP&P up to 15 work days from the original request to find another placement for the child.” I cannot vouch as to how the decision was made to remove one child and not the one you initially requested; however, I would highly recommend that you use the chain of command and ask to speak to a Supervisor about the issue at hand.
If you live in NJ, please call us at 800-222-0047 and ask to speak to the Family Advocate who covers your county, for further support and/or resources in order to further assist. If you do not live in NJ and do not know who to contact in the state that you reside in, feel free to give our office a call and we will try our best to get you to the correct agency. Thank you for reaching out and I wish you nothing but the best.
Jessica Hernandez
FAFS Family Advocate
Four months ago we took in our first placement a 8yr and 3yr. The 8yr has been our biggest challenge. My bio son has stated to me several times that he dislikes her. We have caught her many times trying to physically harm him and bullying him. She shows similar behavior with the 3yr which is her brother, but is more aggressive with my son. When we try to correct the behavior she throws tantrums and has harmed herself by scratching or biting herself. I contacted the caseworker but I feel like we’re not getting the help we need. Recently my parents would watch them after school, but now they no longer want her around because of how she treats my son. They say it’s a constant battle getting her to listen to them, she will just ignore them. They tell me how she constantly bullies my son and are done seeing this bad behavior. My son doesn’t want to go anywhere she goes no because of how she treats him. I am left having to find care for her now because no one else want to watch her. My partner and I feel like this was a bad decision and are considering ending the placement.
This is a very difficult decision and you have to do what is best for your family as a whole. I would recommend looking into the Nurtured Heart Approach training. This is a new approach that we are training families on and its gives parents tools to help manage our intense children and has been proven to work in many situations. If you are a licensed resource parent in NJ, we at FAFS will be hosting a one hour webinar training at the end of November sharing information regarding this approach. This information will be shared with our families shortly. I would also recommend reaching out to the caseworker, the caseworker supervisor, and other professionals regarding this child’s case via letter to request a meeting to discuss how to move forward in an attempt to retain the child in your home. If you are a NJ licensed resource parent you can also reach out to our FAFS Family Advocates to assist with this meeting as they are a direct advocate and liaison between you and CP&P.
Corissa Kazar
Support Services Manager
I am currently fostering 3 teenage sibling girls. It has been chAllenging and when I think we have finally got in sync something comes up and we’re back to square one. I am a single mother of one small boy and I became aware of this sibling group that was previously in separate foster homes. I decided to get them reunited and foster all three plus have my son so four kids total. For the most part they don’t have any behavioral problems but the biggest issue I have on a regular basis is the parents. The oldest girl tells the parents everything that goes on in our home and the parents are calling the social worker every day almost to complain about me. I feel like I’ve been having to defend myself over and over. If they want things done their way then they need to take steps to get custody back but neither parent is making any progress. Both parents are homeless and delayed mentally i think. At this point I’m just ready to give the older one back since she seems to be the main one passing the exaggerated information to her parents and causing tension in our home.
If you are a New Jersey foster parent, I would recommend contacting our FAFS Family Advocates to further assist this situation. If you are a resident from another state, unfortunately, FAFS is only contracted through NJ’s Division of Child Protection and Permanency. We are not familiar with other states policies and procedures, therefore we are limited on ways to assist.
However, in regards to your concerns of the oldest child, this is a very difficult decision and you have to do what is best for your family as a whole as well as for the child. Unfortunately, you cannot usually stop a child from reporting information to her biological family. The child may be doing this for numerous reasons and it must be remembered that our children in care are children that have suffered trauma and can behave in ways that will test your care and commitment to them. I would recommend looking into the Nurtured Heart Approach training. This is a new approach that we are training families on and its gives parents tools to help manage our children whether they suffer from behavioral challenges or not. This approach has been proven to work in many situations. I would also recommend reaching out to the caseworker, the caseworker supervisor, and other professionals regarding this child’s case via email to request a meeting to discuss ideas and thoughts of how to move forward in an attempt to retain the child in your home. Again, if you are a NJ licensed resource parent you can also reach out to our FAFS Family Advocates to assist further by contacting our office at 1.800.222.0047.
Corissa Kazar
Support Services Manager
My spouse and I recently fostered a 6 year old boy for 15 months. He moved on to live with his brothers in an adoptive home, but our biological daughter (who was 12 months-25 months during the time of the placement) talks about the boy daily. He moved out 8 months ago. Is this normal? We have seen him a few times since he moved out and we are always open to talking about him with her, but it makes me wonder if she will have attachment issues or is emotionally damaged due to her experience.
Hi Kari,
Great question regarding your situation! Children are amazing in so many ways and as you know they are exploring the world around them. According to the psychologist Piaget, there are different stages of development for different ages in which they learn how to respond to a situation in life. You mentioned that your biological daughter was 12-25 months during the time that you had the child in your care. Piaget’s theory suggests that during birth through age 2, a child undergoes the sensorimotor stage. In this stage, a child is learning through their senses such as grasping, looking, touching, and tasting. They also begin to understand the difference between people and objects. As they begin to develop vocabulary, they will also begin to add names to distinguish the differences. Therefore, it is not unusual that your daughter talks about the boy at this age. It simply means she acknowledges him and his absence makes her curious.
In regards to your question concerning attachment, there are several theories about attachment that describe how it develops in children. One such theory is from psychologist John Bowlby, who described the emotional bond in children. Bowlby depicted four different attributes of attachment: safe haven, secure base, proximity maintenance, and separation distress. A child will develop an attachment to seek a safe haven when feeling scared or threatened (i.e. wanting a hug at the doctor’s office after getting a shot). A child will also form an attachment in the form of a secure base in which they seek support from their parent as they begin to understand the world around them. In your case, your daughter is doing just this when she talks and asks about the boy. She is trying to understand his absence and her way of trying to do so is to communicate with you about him. Proximity maintenance is simply when your child tries to remain close to you as they discover new things about their world (i.e. telling you about their day at school when they come home). The fourth attribute is more commonly known as separation anxiety (separation distress) in which the child becomes distress when separated from the caregiver. As you may have noticed, your child’s attachment has been consistent with what can be expected from her age group.
You will see that as your daughter begins to grow she will gain an understanding about change and be able to adjust accordingly. For now, it would not be uncommon for her to come to you for support since change is a new experience for her. Change is difficult for all ages and especially so for a young child who is still trying to learn about her world. Therefore, continue to support her and enjoy her new discoveries each day.
Jacquiline Median
FAFS Family Advocate
This is a new approach that we are training families on and its gives parents tools to help manage our children whether they suffer from behavioral challenges or not. This approach has been proven to work in many situations.
II have recently fostered a five year old girl. She has been with me for 28 days. I have been requesting daycare from day one and have not received it. I can no longer miss any more time from my job. I have threatened to return the girl and still have not gotten anywhere with my social worker. What can I do. I cannot afford to lose my job. What legal rights do I have in Turning her back over to protective service .
Thank you for reaching out to embrella regarding your question. Most children in care do qualify for child care assistance through federal funding under Title IV-E, but depending on the state you live in, the application process may be different. Because this is a federally subsidized program, it entails more than the caseworker approving the requesting and giving you money for child care. In New Jersey, the application must be completed in conjunction with the caseworker, but the local Child Care Resource and Referral agency is where the application is submitted and they provide payment directly to a licensed child care facility. Other states process this through their state and/or county office where one would apply for any TANF benefits (cash assistance, food stamps, etc). You will need to find out what the process is for receiving a child care subsidy and whether it is run through a contracted Child Care Resource and Referral agency, the local social services office or the state office.
If you are not getting a sufficient response from the caseworker, you can also follow the chain of command and contact their supervisor for assistance or a program manager.
As far as legal rights, most states require that you give notice that you can no longer care for a child. Typically it is between 5-30 days and this can vary from state to state, but is often listed within policy or your foster parent manual. Moving forward, it is important to be clear with the caseworker about the type of children you can accommodate in your home. While most people only want to highlight only the positive, it is important to be realistic and let the caseworker know what you CANNOT handle. If child care is an issue, you can state that you can only accept school-aged children. This should not be held against you as it improves the outcome for everyone involved and prevents unnecessary changes or additional disruptions for the child.
I have raised 2 children from 3 and 4 they are now 20 and 21, 4 yrs ago 3 of the half sisters came into care. I agreed to help them but stipulated i need respite. 4 yrs on im at wits end i am very sick mentally and physically. I have told facs nsw i cant do it any longer i am single and simply on the edge of a break down . I understand these children need a home and love both are easy but there constant disrespect, stealing and lying has taken its toll on me. I had several conversayuons with caseworkers and other in office. They offer banaid solutions.
To me a foster carer has ALL the responsibility and no rights. I am so lost i dont know who to turn to.
We feel all of your pain and frustration, we’re in same boat. However we were kind of forced into fostering (Not forced but wasn’t planned) Fostering/adoption was always a dream of mine but it happened sooner than we planned. My best friend and neighbor passed away back in february. She took in her 8 year old niece because both parents were drug addicts, neglected and god knows what else. The father has severe mental illness on top of everything else. In February my friend passed away suddenly from an aneurysm 🙁 caseworkers were here an hour later to take foster away to god knows where. Everyone the birth parents recommended had extensive criminal records, kids taken away etc. so we took her in because we didn’t want her anymore traumatized. however we know what a troubled child she was.Our kids played with her and after a while we had to limit them because of her bad habits. So i was told it would be a week until they find placement so we agreed to it..then surprisingly my husband thought we should keep her because he thought she was progessing but with 3 other kids it was hard to see through it all. Slowly more things came out a lot of sexual things (we knew about some behavior in that way but not ALL)!! She was telling our kids shes a bi sexual, she prefers black boys they’re more experienced, explaining what she would do with a boy sexually, her dad has sex with men too and its cool..then self harming (biting, punching, pulling her hair out), we found videos of her forcing herself to cry from smiling very disturbing behavior. things that are far more than we could handle. We told them from the beginning if it started affecting our kids it would be game over. we shouldn’t have to explain to our kids aged 6, 8, & 4 what these sexual things are, some adults wouldn’t know some of the things she says or does. Were not even licensed but we completed the classes a couple months ago. the case worker said i put in referrals i said we never asked for that she needs to be placed with someone who has no kids and specializes in mental & sexual issues. today we finally had to get mean since 2 weeks has passed and they’ve done nothing so now she leaves tomorrow. We havent said anything to her, I feel horrible but I know she needs a lot of help. We asked that they don’t tell her we need her to go because it will mess with her head more. everyone keeps saying dont feel bad you tried as hard as you could and a lot longer than anyone else would have. We did.. but its still upsetting, I wanted it to work, I wanted to save her but our kids don’t need to end up with same issues or worse 🥺and its not just our kids its neighborhood kids, kids in family etc. it sucks all the way around but we have to do whats best for kids.
Hey all. This is a complicated crazy situation.
My husband and I took in two children 20 months ago. The oldest was sexually assaulted, abused, neglected, and exposed to some pretty horrible stuff. The younger was also exposed to some or all of this but we are not sure as he is just now starting to disclose. They were taken from their mother after everything was discovered.
Their trauma is so high that they have insane behaviors. Such as acting out aggressively, like hitting, kicking, biting, spanking anything you can think of. Spreading their feces all over the house. Leaving everything in a complete mess to where it’s disgusting. Ripping apart stuff they own, pooping in their bed and then ripping apart their sheet to wipe with (even though the bathroom is two steps away). It’s a nightmare. My husband and I are to the point where we can’t handle it anymore. We try everything. We don’t do corporal punishment or anything like that. We only use love and logic and circle of security. It doesn’t seem to help at all. My husbands hair has thinned st least 50% since they’ve gotten here and my hair is now starting to thin out and grey and I’m only 21! It’s complicated because the oldest is my husbands child. He went through all of this when they lived with their mother in another state. The other child is not. I can’t leave my husband to deal with this alone and the oldest cannot go back to their mother while the youngest is a foster kid. CPS completely lied to us about their behaviors and told us AFTER we took them in, that they already knew about it or suspected it would happen. But they literally told us beforehand they had no concerns and they were perfectly normal. What do we do?! I don’t want to give up on them but every day in about to have a mental breakdown and I don’t want to come home anymore. I’ve done all the steps listed. I’m just about to lose all hope.
I hope someone can help me know an answer.
I am following you, Karen, you have described exactly what I am experiencing right now with my foster son. The feces smearing, after cleaning up and repeating again. I was not told in advance. I feel out of my mind from it. Is this something that cannot be fixed? I feel almost numb. I cannot even cry. I know at least I am not alone. I felt guilty that I am getting angry cleaning up poo for hours. Is there anyone out there who knows what we can do? This is going on for 4 months and I am thinking it is a lifetime psychiatric problem that I cannot handle.
We recently took in two children under the ago of 2, our first placements.We have no children of our own and honestly I feel like I am struggling, the 2 year old is really testing my patience and ultimately I hate the thought that runs through my head of “why do I continue this your not even my child” To make matters worse this is a completely different routine for us as my husband works out of town for weeks at a time and I am use to going with him but now I guess the feeling on resentment has set in that I’m stuck here raising someone else’s kids when I could be with him, I get it its selfish but that’s exactly how I am feeling, I want to ask the court if we could take the kids with us as my husband needs time to bond and see if this even works for us please help
If a placement ends because foster carers weren’t communicating with their supervising social worker and ended a placement abruptly, that’s a problem. Foster carers need to tell their foster care agency when they’re not coping. If they’re not doing that, then any agency would have some concerns about a person’s suitability to be a foster carer.
I was recently asked to take in a 17 year old boy. That is most prominent issue is he hates school and refuses to do it. Well they lied to me. Cops were called because he is 17, I am a single woman, and he threatened me. I initially called his caseworker said I don’t trust him and he needed to come get him. The response it will be about 4 hours. So I called the cops. Did the cops do anything. No. They said no point he wasn’t staying. What the best part is I find out from his caseworker after I call the cops… that cops have been called on him 2 other times. He has been in juvenile detention and a home for boys. I contacted the agency I am through and told them I think I was wronged and that safety of the foster parents are not taken inconsideration. I was told they are not sure why info was left out. That’s it. Oh not even 12 hours later they ask me to take on a 6 year old that current foster home states must leave. I told them I need a break.
as a foster child I feel as though most of us have bad mental health, adhd, and anger issues. Most of us act out or try to keep some normality from our previous house/placement. Sometimes we keep the wrong ones though i’ll admit that. I was just placed into foster care on in july and i’m still in my old habits, but it’s hard for teenagers to adapt to things like this. I’m 14 and having to worry about my future but also having to worry about whats going to happen to me, if i’m safe, trying to get comfortable in a whole new community that doesn’t accept me for my race(caucasian). It is very over whelming and stressful on us children, foster parents may see it as acting out or us trying to make things harder by being bad on purpose, but usually we don’t mean to. It just kind of happens and after it does there no going back. All you can do is sit down with the foster kid(s) and set boundaries and if they keep doing the same thing then take away bits and pieces of their freedom. Like if they want to go to a school football game or to the movies, say no, show them you care though. Don’t be to hard on them, they may take it the wrong way and act out worse but stand your ground. I’ve been in my placement for over 2 months and i’m still trying to get the least bit comfortable but i’m guessing it’s a lot harder for the child than the parent. Foster parents need to remember that we are traumatized and hurting.
Although I do not agree with what the boy has done, he was taken into custody for a reason, he may be acting out or falling into what he used to do because maybe one of his parents taught him that it was okay and he can’t get out of the habit. Being in a new placement is hard mentally and that may be what is causing him to act out. But you can’t give up on a foster child, they ALL need help whether they admit it or not.
Hi a year ago my husband and I took in his little 7 year old cousin, for his cousin who lost custody of her at the age of 2. Ever since she’s moved in she has exposed our 3 girls (4, 7, 9) to sexual misconduct (she touches them inappropriately), she lies and manipulates my husband. She constantly hides things, she’s extremely disrespectful towards me. She has anger issues towards animals. And just last month she convinced one of my daughters that her father (my husband’s cousin) told her that it was okay to watch pornography on her school tablet. I told my husband that basically she’s a bad influence on our children and she’s causing a lot of dismay within the household, he agreed but feels if we give it sometime she will warm up to everyone and begin to follow the rules. It has drove an unneeded wedge between him and I. And turned my household upside down. Initially her father was supposed to try to get custody of her and we are suppose to keep her until he can. But he needed to complete parenting classes, but he has failed to do so, now he’s forced to retake the classes. Her father hasn’t really been in contact with the caseworker as he should be. My husband’s great aunt noticed that she’s overly affectionate when it comes to men. My husband told me that the caseworker said that, that was one of her issues. I want to throw in the towel and just give her back, because I have reached my breaking point. I’m afraid of the lasting effect her behavior will and has caused our children. I mean I don’t want to cause her anymore abandonment issues but it’s been a year and I haven’t really seen any big changes with her behavior. I’m just not sure what to do. As much as I try to nurture her and treat her like one of my own, she does something to make me pull back and be on guard. Whether it’s touching my children inappropriately, finding ways to show them explicit. Doing something mean to an animal. Or just being disrespectful towards me all together. My friends and family on my side all have said just give her back. But I think my husband wants to keep her here because he feels like he’s doing something to make a difference in this world. And he wants to help his cousin out. But I just don’t know what to do at this point. Can anyone give me advice on what I should do to help resolve this problem.