Dealing with Sibling Separation in Foster Care

Since 2008 and the passage of the Fostering Connections to Success Act, a concerted effort has been made nationwide to place siblings in the same foster care, kinship guardianship or adoptive placement. But what happens when siblings can’t be placed together? How do you, as a foster parent, care for a young boy who has been separated from his older brother?

Siblings can provide security, comfort and strength during a traumatic time. This is why such a strong emphasis has been placed on making sure siblings stick together in foster care.

But sometimes that’s not possible.

Whether it’s due to the specific needs of the siblings or the lack of foster homes that can accommodate larger sibling groups, sometimes brothers and sisters are separated and end up in different homes.

For a 10-year-old boy, being separated from his 15-year-old brother can be just as difficult as being removed from his parents. Feelings of anxiety and depression are common when dealing with this type of loss.

As a foster parent, you can help.

When siblings are placed in separate foster homes, they are often placed nearby. This makes visitations possible. Working with your caseworker and the other foster family, you could help arrange for regular visits between brothers. These visits will help preserve sibling bonds and reassure your foster child that he isn’t alone.

“When siblings cannot be placed together, facilitating regular contact is critical to maintaining these relationships,” according to a 2013 Bulletin from Child Welfare Information Gateway. “Regular contact may even affect permanency outcomes. Findings from the Child and Family Services Reviews conducted in all States found a significant association between visiting with parents and siblings and both permanency and well-being outcomes.”

You can also arrange other forms of contact. If the distance makes face-to-face visits difficult, you can work with your caseworker and the other foster family to help facilitate contact through calls, social media or email.

Another option is planning joint outings or camp experiences for the brothers to attend. In NJ, embrella offers camp scholarships for children in foster care. This week of overnight camp also serves as a chance for siblings to reunite for a few fun-filled days. To learn more about camp scholarships, click here.

While all these options are likely to help separated siblings, emotional issues may still linger. Visitations with his brother may bring about intense feelings that the child needs to work through. This doesn’t necessarily mean visits shouldn’t occur. Instead, it could mean that you, as a foster parent, need to help encourage him to express his emotions by asking him how he feels. It’s important to be reassuring and make him feel as safe as possible. In many cases, therapy is also recommended and siblings are urged to use the same therapist.

As a foster parent, dealing with sibling separation isn’t easy. But if there’s a silver lining to a tough situation, it’s that less and less brothers and sisters are being placed in different homes.

In NJ alone, the percentage of sibling groups placed together has grown exponentially. In 2004, about 63 percent of sibling groups (between two and three siblings) were placed in the same home. In 2011 that number jumped to 78.7 percent, according to the NJ Department of Children and Families.

While this might not be a comfort to a foster parent with a child dealing with sibling separation, it’s important to remember that you are not alone. If you are a licensed resource family in NJ and you need help or have specific questions, you can always reach out to your FAFS Family Advocate.

Author: Lloyd Nelson, FAFS Digital Media Manager

Lloyd Nelson is the Digital Media Manager of Foster and Adoptive Family Services. He can be reached at

4 thoughts on “Dealing with Sibling Separation in Foster Care

  1. Thank you for writing about this. It weighs on me every day, as I’m sure it does on my child. We recently adopted our son after more than a year of fostering.

    Our son has a brother, but they have not seen each other in 3+ years. He longs to see his brother, but the brother’s father (different dad than his own) refused to visit our son when he was in a state group care school/home. This man was also involved in regular domestic violence, heavy drugs and other activities that were traumatic to my child.

    I can wait until the brothers are older, but It’s hard to make this choice for my child who I think deserves to see his sibling. I just don’t see any way that I can assure my child’s safety if we were to reconnect. His brother is 8 and he is 12.

    At a loss.

  2. Such a nice post share by you! Being separate with his sibling is a horrible nightmare for 10 year old boy but sometime it is important to separate them. Some years back I also met this type of situation but fortunately I met with UK Fostering which will help me to short out these problems easily.

  3. I am in mass, and going through siblings separation at the moment, sister is very abusive to brother, it has been real tough for us, and finally dcf heard the case, I am just now thinking how brother will act to all this changes.. hoping sister can get the right help she needs and soon for them to be back together…very hard this has been…

  4. I was separated from my siblings at age 11. Our parents were drug addicts. The 3 of us were split up amongst family members. We were still in contact with each other and saw each other maybe once a year. The separation felt like a death to me and did severe damage. I understand why we had to be split up, but I grieved. I still grieve for what we lost. It forever changed how I view relationships. I loved my brothers dearly. I mothered them. The worst was the split up of meand my youngest brother. He was six and I was 11. It was like someone had stolen my child. My identity was tied up with his. Luckily we are still close. I still mourn what we lost though. It’s taken 4 years of therapy to get where I am today. I strongly believe that every effort should be made to keep siblings together. The damage is long lasting

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